Relationships & Painkillers
The Painkillers
How often do we love ourselves in others without any interest in the real other person’s Universe?
Read on my website / Reading time 7 min.
We enter relationships to receive or give tenderness, care, affection, and security. You might say, “Well, that’s obvious.” Fair enough. But allow me a chance to explain differently. Maybe I can shed light on what you already know in a new way.
We all seek warm feelings, no doubt. However, often to soothe ourselves and heal from past wounds… we seek a solution for broken selves by someone else. How often do we love ourselves in others without any interest in the real other person’s universe?
We’re fundamentally seeking a remedy for our inner pain and we satisfy a need with … painkillers.
In essence, our quest for intimacy and connection can often be likened to seeking a pain medication that will satisfy our inner need to receive because we sincerely want to live without pain. We vocalize a desire to feel painless, and the presence of another gives us what we seek. This yearning is comprehensible; after all, only the abnormal may consciously choose pain. However, this drive is not rooted in love but in scarcity — a famine to belong. Trying to find myriads of methods to satisfy that need instead of transforming it we could waste a precious lifetime.
Seeking relationships stems from a lack of self-love we can’t provide ourselves, attempting to fill the void through external connections. It’s an effort to “complete” what’s missing within us by seeking outside resources. However, what we give back to our relationships often becomes taken for granted, viewed as routine or of diminishing value over time. Conversely, what we derive or consume from these unions becomes perceived as essential, something we strive to maintain or increase.
The breakthrough in personal connections occurs when we shift our focus from seeking healing to discovering ourselves “through another”, through their unique presence. Approaching relationships with this mindset not only enhances personal development but also fosters positive contributions to others’ growth. Thus, deep connections are about exploring the vastness of human experience together, enriching us in the process.
Before that, it’s like going to a store on an empty stomach — you buy unnecessary things. In reality, a simple bowl of oatmeal before your shopping can satisfy your hunger, leading to a smaller bill with essential items in your basket.
Remember, the cost of life is time, and we pay for shortcuts with valuable treasures.
In this perspective, the dynamic of modern relationships can often resemble the historical exchanges between indigenous peoples and explorers, where natural resources were exchanged for seemingly valuable or technological trinkets. This metaphor illuminates how, in our search for intimacy, we may offer the deep riches of our authentic selves for the superficial comfort of feeling momentarily healed by an artificial feeling of belonging.
Being needed is not being loved and often being used.
It’s a poignant reminder that in our connections, we should seek not the ephemeral relief of our emotional aches but the enduring treasure of genuine, reciprocal growth.
In the absence of the so-called “hunger to belong”, or need, we bring our satiety into the outside world, and it is a guarantee of getting joy from this life, and not stuffing the stomach with all sorts of nonsense.
When we have filled ourselves with everything that we need for peace and security, appreciated and even loved our loneliness, we begin to get bored. We want to speak about all of this, to share what we have.
This is the moment we can consider, share, exchange, discover something new for ourselves, and begin to create something together from different parts because our parts do not complement but enhance each other. It’s like baking a cake when you have apples and the other person has sugar. This is how to create a business when you have a well-developed idea and connections, and the other has finances.
A synergetic relationship fosters a creative and productive environment where the sum is far greater than its parts.
When collaborating and pooling resources, we create something new and bigger together — a joint venture that can turn into a grand success. The blending of different strengths and resources not only produces immediate results but also lays the foundation for sustainable growth and innovation where our unique strengths play well for biodiversity. When individuals come together, pooling their unique talents, perspectives, and resources, the outcome is invariably richer and more complex than any solitary effort could produce. This process of co-creation does not merely add to an existing project; it multiplies its potential, opening up avenues for innovation that were previously unimaginable. Through collaboration, we not only share what we have but also amplify it, truly embodying the adage that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.
Until then, if you need tenderness or financial security — relationships could be beneficial, but that’s merely patching gaps or healing wounds within each other. Symbiosis in a relationship is not inherently detrimental. However, once we are separated from such unions, we often feel weaker than we did within the symbiotic pair. Parting is painful because such interdependency diminishes our resilience and the cessation of communication results in the closing off of channels for mutual enrichment. This scenario lays the groundwork for a constant vigil over the resource we need: if “mine”, acquired through an honest exchange — be it tenderness or something else — drifts elsewhere, then for this resource, there ensues a battle. Thus, jealousy emerges as a manifestation of possessiveness, a threat to our life force — they are taking what’s mine!
Ideally, the life force within us should be self-sustaining, flourishing from an internal wellspring rather than relying on external sources. It is crucial to cultivate a life that does not necessitate leaning on another for fundamental sustenance, ensuring we can remain stable and content even in solitude. By securing our well-being through our means — whether it’s a woman achieving financial independence or a man mastering self-care — we demonstrate maturity. This independence not only safeguards us against the vulnerabilities of symbiotic dependencies but also empowers us to engage in relationships from a position of strength and self-assurance, not necessity.
Autonomy is the hallmark of an adult who has mastered the art of living, unshackled by the fear of loss in exchange.
The absence of control or healthy synergy, the presence of “one’s world” that is not yet open in another, sparks a desire for exploration and communication.
We should not exchange female beauty for male strength as to patriarchal model anymore so that it will not later become excruciatingly painful for the years spent aimlessly on maintaining each other’s injuries.
Constantly searching for resources without constructing something meaningful together leads to a life consumed by mere consumption. Such a mindset may lead one to seek out … younger, healthier, and more beautiful resources. Eventually, however, this individual will become obsolete, albeit at a later time. One could argue for living in the present moment with more comfortable resources, but true comfort isn’t selfish; it doesn’t guarantee the preservation of one’s inner integrity.
A woman’s beauty should be embraced as it is, not traded for anything. This way, she can gain recognition without being reduced to mere sexual appeal. Similarly, a man’s strength can shine as a force for positive change in the world, fostering pride in his achievements. This inner strength will serve as a solid foundation, even if faced with the allure of someone else’s flattery.
Consider opting for long-term health over painkillers. Good health is something we all deserve. It’s not achieved through external pills but nurtured internally with care and building inner strength.
Then we may start a new way and stop loving healed selves in another person. We can love our partner with courage and understanding, without interdependency. When our energies align, they magnify and naturally overflow synergy into the world.
Consider avoiding consuming pills unnecessarily.
Consider not to expend energy or precious time searching for painkillers or becoming a crutch for others, even if it boosts self-esteem.
The true essence of life lies within us. Nurture it to the surface. With a gentle touch, we can guide others to discover it, as caring eyes always perceive the truth in others.
When I grasped this personally, the answer to the question of needing another pill, knowing what I truly can gain, it brought a smile. It even evokes a chuckle! Not a laugh of superiority, but a pleasantly surprised chuckle from the simplicity and beauty of our world.
The transition from interdependence to synergy is a transformation of purely selfish needs and a choice of the path of spiritual development.
Synergy is an exchange at the soul level, and true love is born here, since love means giving, another is necessary to reflect this light in such a way that the beloved is transformed in its loving rays.
This, of course, is a personal choice.
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