Toxicity & Expectations
Blame It on Toxic People Again (Or Why Manage Your Expectations)
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you invest efforts in non-rewarded outcomes?
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We feel overused, fooled, or even betrayed, following the conclusion that we meet “toxic people” known for serving only their personal agenda.
If we repeatedly meet such toxic partners or colleagues and feel often overused by others, don’t we want to take action?
Yes, setting ‘healthy boundaries’ is a well-known defense mechanism. Numerous effective strategies and practices exist to develop this skill. Placing firm boundaries on time and interpersonal interactions can help increase practice efficiency and allow business to function smoothly. However, it’s important to remember that, like any skill, it takes time and effort.
Hanna Hart, discussing the hard truth about boundaries and self-care in a recent Forbes publication, argues, “Far from being empowering, the idea of setting boundaries hits people like just one more thing to do. One more thing they are failing at.”
Unhealthy boundaries occur when we do not set limits on ourselves or others. Boundaries are crucial as they act as a shield. Yet, most of us would rather be ourselves in a psychologically safe environment than constantly regulate and control any boundaries. This is why many opt for the “silent quit” strategy, leading to a decline in work quality and reduced engagement, which in turn leads to burnout, distress, anger, depression, anxiety, and trauma.
What should you do if you start to feel like you are in a steel box within your boundaries? Are there any other strategies for avoiding overuse?
Many say: “It is because I am too good to others; therefore, they use me. I need to work with my personal boundaries. This is a good lesson for me because I give too much.”
It might upset you, but in most cases, the real picture does not begin with the prayer: “I am too good.”
Let me disappoint you; you might not be too good.
Let me use an example.
One man (let’s call him John) told me a story about a friend who used him, and I asked him to explain how it happened.
John told me about his friend who decided to open a cafe and asked for help because John was an expert. John provided him with all the information, spent his time on staff training, and provided his premises and materials for tests. “Why do you think he used you?” I asked.
“Since I gave too much, I assumed he would buy supplies from me for his café, and he never did,” answered John.
“I assumed …”
You may reveal this whole program by asking the honest question, “How does it happen that I choose to be so good to others?”
You may believe that you give too much.
But how does this internal measuring system function?
Are you giving too much versus what?
You are likely giving too much in relation to the results you are getting.
This is a crucial point of self-awareness, at which you can cease labeling yourself as a “good person” and sincerely attempt to comprehend your actual expectations.
Sit to understand yourself with the following questions:
- Why do you say “yes” to strangers in your client base?
- Why do you work extra hours for others?
- Why do you devalue yourself and triple your efforts?
- Why do you let your boss control your time, money, and attention?
- How do you view honest exchanges?
- Why don’t you communicate your expectations for clarity and respect?
- What’s the reason for giving too much?
Any broken expectation is a loss, where we put forward our hidden price if we expect something without open discussion or investigation.
Once others behave poorly compared to our (hidden) expectations, we get angry and blame them for being toxic and thinking only about themselves.
What happens if you allow yourself not to be good for others?
This question contains true power.
Once you understand your true leading forces and articulate your expectations respectfully, toxic clients, partners, and colleagues will disappear forever, and you will not have to build any boundaries again.
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